Guest Author Contribution
Recognizing Limits in Power Exchange and Taking Care of Tops
Sobriety has been a wonderful journey for me. Self-exploration, self-awareness, self-discernment, and self-alignment have given me tools to navigate this world we call life in a way that is more authentic to myself and how I need to live for my own well-being. It is in this space I can see where I was actively harming myself, and by extension, others. It is through this writing that I name these behaviors that are not as rare as you think. Everyone in a BDSM relationship, partnership, play scene, what-have-you, has a responsibility to the other.
As we meander through the trials and tribulations folks stack on themselves, I want to keep in mind we are not stating these things to name and shame, or stack blame, or anything of the sort. I am naming my own behaviors that made me an unsafe play partner and relationship partner. If, by some chance, you, dear reader, become aggravated or otherwise activated by the words spoken you are welcome to go calm yourself before commenting. There are tons of safe resources for bottoms and submissives to not be taken advantage of, but less focus on Tops and D-types for their own mental well-being.
Dominant Mindsets
Being a sub-leaning switch, the D-type is still part of me even though it was suppressed for most of my time in kink. I could only be one type of person because I was AFAB (assigned female at birth). Now that I’ve escaped a cult and found my own feet to stand on things have become a little more clear. Such as things I can do as a Top for my own safety, and realizing how I was behaving was actively re-traumatizing myself and putting strain on the D-type. It’s this conscious self-reflection that many don’t have a desire to do.
People expect a Dominant to have it all together. They are expected to be able to tie fast and know your mind, beat you just like you want it, and play to your tune of submission. Expectations abound in D-space… and aren’t talked about enough. We seem to forget that Dominants are merely humans too. They are capable of mistakes, sadness, and failure. They are not infallible. They need reassurance and to feel safe too.
I can attribute a lot of my behavior to the fact that I was an active addict but also these behaviors play out due to trauma. In kink, there is hardly anything left unscathed by the tribulations of life. That is still no reason to take out that trauma on unsuspecting people. Being informed of your own traumas and being able to have healthy coping skills is paramount to not re-traumatizing yourself, and possibly by extension… your Dominant.
Danger, Will Robinson!
BDSM can be therapeutic but it is not therapy. Your Dominant is not a licensed professional to take the brunt of your entire emotional baggage. That is a lot for one, untrained, person to take on. They do not have the skills, and sometimes, they may not have their own coping mechanisms to deal with the brunt of the emotional baggage. There is a difference between being able to be supportive and being your only support. It is not fair to the Dominant to play therapist every session. It is also up to you, the submissive, to be self-aware and contribute to the dynamic in ways that uplift the Dominant.
BDSM can be very emotionally vulnerable. We’re engaging in highly risky behaviors where one wrong move could hurt someone for life, or traumatize them. It’s a space that requires honesty, transparency, and ongoing communication. Pushing down your fears or anxieties about a scene or planned session does no one any favors. The Dominant does not know unless you tell them. There is no mind- reading going on. If you’re feeling doubts about something, and push through anyway, then it’s uncomfortable for you and you’re just getting through it while the D-type has no idea your consent is being revoked and you’re in an active trauma state. When I offered anal to my Sir and we did it, I went back to an active trauma state and did not communicate. When I burst into tears after he had no idea I was being affected so much. This damaged his trust in me because I did not have the self-preservation to stay away from my own actively traumatizing ac. After all,se “Subs have 3 holes, tee-hee!”.
BDSM requires active and ongoing consent. Being an asshole to be an asshole, or provoking to get a reaction outside the negotiated lines is emotional manipulation. Testing people with negative reinforcement is not the way to go. It serves no purpose and defeats the point of trust being actions over time. Trust is not established because you threw all your bad tempers and trauma at them and they took it, stone-faced. They may be in a trauma state now and walking on eggshells around you. Other people are not random punching bags for your attitudes. You must have their consent to act this way within your dynamic, or you are acting outside of your dynamic and the D-type can walk away.
Protecting Yourself
As I stated before, there is so much floating around about red flags for D-types and protecting submissives. I do not doubt and give support to those s-types who have been harmed in a dynamic they thought was safe. I can also hold space for the D-types who’ve been harmed by unsafe bottoms and who leave a trail of people behind them as well. I can talk about this particular issue, right now, as a self-reflection and, if you want to take it this way, a lesson. There is no doubt in my mind people will write this off and say I’m out of my mind or whatever. That’s fine, this isn’t for them. You are welcome to calm yourself before you speak.
Pushing people beyond boundaries is never ok, even when coming from an s-type. Insulting people for not being on your playing field is not ok. Lying about drinking, drug use, or mental state, or physical state, is not ok. I do feel like these are consent violations because the Dominant was not given informed consent before play. Informed Consent is just as important for your Dominant as is it for you. No informed consent can lead to trauma.
When we’re playing with the body and mind so deeply, it’s so important to be aware, especially in new situations, of tactics people use to lure you into a false sense of security. These behaviors of individuals are definite red flags. Are they blowing so much smoke up your ass you’re choking? Are they repeatedly asking for something you’ve already said no to? Are they being hot and cold at the drop of a hat? Just a few things to look at.
Remember, These Are Humans
This is not an exhaustive list but like I said, mainly a self-reflection of where I was and where I’ve come to. Being in a six-year dynamic, it doesn’t look the same as we first started. Therapy and sobriety allowed me the authenticity to respect what I was building with my partner and trust that we were looking out for one another. He relies on me to be aware of myself and my changing limits as I uncover more landmines in the brain. It is not my fault that I have been traumatized, but it is my responsibility to process my healing from that and not bring anyone else into this abusive cycle.
As with any dynamic, proper vetting, communication, consent, and like-minds lead to brilliant encounters with beautiful people. Since I've shed these unsafe behaviors my encounters are safer, more comforting, and less about hurting myself outright. BDSM was a form of self-harm. Many people do not recognize they are caught in that cycle. Many people are lost and do need help. I’m including links to low-cost resources that I have used myself to bring about this change in my life. Hopefully, this helps someone break out of their cycle and promote a better understanding of themselves.
None of us are perfect. None of us are omnipotent and omnipresent. It is up to everyone in the dynamic to speak up and communicate. The line between BDSM and abuse is very thin.
Links:
Low Cost Therapy
https://openpathcollective.org/
https://www.samhsa.gov/find-support/how-to-pay-for-treatment/free-or-low-cost-treatment
BDSM and Safe Submission
https://www.regain.us/advice/general/bdsm-submission-what-it-is-and-how-to-practice-bdsm-safely/
https://www.healthline.com/health/healthy-sex/sexual-submission#learn-more